My thoughts are consumed by You – discerning what You desire of me to do in the world, and witnessing what You are doing unto me in every moment. Constant reminders that You are utterly incomprehensible in Your infinitude, yet You are endlessly understandable through the experience of Your intimate creation (oh, Holy Mystery!).
So how do I resolve the disconnect between what I intend and how I act?Shared words with nuanced meanings received differently, become foreign languages that can tear us apart and the fabric of the One Reality of You that is in all, with all, through all. We desperately want connection, and yet we often push it away in favor of control.
Some nights, I cling to the Rosary as I fall asleep, praying for the desire to offer heart-felt trust and surrender to Your Mystery as Mary did, when it is so much easier to cling to mental certitude and control. It’s a tangible centering and tethering in the midst of uncertainty. Even without words, if it’s simply a holding, and a groaning, and an exhale of my powerlessness… I think that’s ok with You, because you know exactly what I mean, and You know I’m giving it all to You.
Because, most of the time, I really don’t want to seek You everywhere, in everything, with everyone, in every moment. I want to remain attached to what I know and what I think I know.Do I really need a new heart, must a steadfast spirit really be renewed in me? Can I just give up and give in and go along with the crowd, and You give me everything I want right now- which, frankly, is to be all-knowing and all-powerful?
And there’s the rub. I want to be God-like without Being like God. I want to consume (My will, not Yours) rather than be consummated (surrender myself fully and receive You fully).I can’t… I simply can’t desire surrender on my own- my God, how I need You in it! I need You as I walk between worlds – grounded in the human reality of time and space, even as I expand into Your Reality of timelessness and spaciousness.
Throughout the day, there are so many words… words made flesh – manifested through the acts of speaking, writing, reading, hearing. I am inundated with words. They wash over and through me – and some are caught in me – they stick, then play within me… like a note played on a string, vibrating until it comes to rest. Words like abundance, fierce, freedom, courage, embrace, transform, heal. Particular words form patterns, and like notes play, repeat, and reverberate through me. And the patterns in my life become the song of my life, which becomes the meaning of my life.
So I pray always for the desire to seek You everywhere, in everything, with everyone, in every moment so that all of my life – the whole euphony and cacophony of my song- becomes a love offering. This is my chance to compose my “Hallelujah” song as part of an eternal hymn of thanksgiving. During this particular time and in this particular place, I am gifted one opportunity to live, and am provided countless opportunities to surrender and to experience Your consummate Love.
Create in me a clean heart that embraces You with every inhale, allowing You to nourish and restore me.
Renew in me a steadfast spirit that surrenders to You with every exhale, allowing me to participate in the nourishment and restoration of the world.